


Juno Steel and the Self Indulgent Chatfic

by bluewritessometimes



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/F, Gen, No Plot/Plotless, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Texting, Timeline What Timeline, a chatfic? in my ao3? its more likely than you think, take a shot every time someone says "i hate this family"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluewritessometimes/pseuds/bluewritessometimes
Summary: rrrrrrrita changed Juno Steel, PI's name to peter simp.peter simp: RITA(tpp chatfic where they're all (relatively) happy)
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko/Vespa, Everyone & Everyone, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 15
Kudos: 131





	1. simps simps simps

**Author's Note:**

> woo a chatfic. they're all I know how to write apparently. (are there any other words I can use for this type of fic? I'm tired of calling it a chatfic already) 
> 
> this will have more chapters!! I just had to mark it as 1/1 or otherwise ao3 glitches. 
> 
> anyways enjoy this mess.

_ groupchat has been created.  _

_ 5 people have been added to the groupchat.  _

**Juno Steel, PI:** rita no 

**rrrrrrrita:** rita yes! 

**Jet:** what is this, rita? 

**rrrrrrrrita:** well I was thinking, you know how a lot of times when you want to talk to someone but you don't know where they are so you just walk around the spaceship for like an hour looking for them and then everybody yells at you because you walked into the wrong room while they're talking with their partner? 

**Jet:** ...I don't follow. 

**Juno Steel, PI:** rita wanted to make a groupchat with the whole "family." 

**Jet:** oh. 

**Jet:** that makes more sense. 

**unless you're juno you shouldn't have this number:** I have several questions 

**buddy:** pete, why is that your screen name? 

**unless you're juno you shouldn't have this number:** because it's true 

**unless you're juno you shouldn't have this number:** which is actually my first question. rita, how did you get my number? 

**rrrrrrrita:** it's pretty easy! just basic hacking yknow? 

**buddy:** rita darling, are you aware that hacking computers to find people's contact information is generally considered rude? 

**rrrrrrrita:** oh. 

**rrrrrrrita:** sorry. 

**rrrrrrrita:** anyway! why are all of your screen names so boring? 

**Juno Steel, PI:** you gave me this screen name, rita. you said it had to be professional. 

**rrrrrrrita:** yeah, but that was when you were a pi. now you're not professional anymore, and I can change your screen name! 

_ rrrrrrrita changed Juno Steel, PI's name to peter simp.  _

**peter simp:** RITA 

_ rrrrrrrita changed unless you're juno you shouldn't have this number's name to juno simp.  _

**vespa:** how do you even know what a simp is

**rrrrrrrita:** that's not important! 

**juno simp:** you are aware that we can just change our names back, right? 

**rrrrrrrita:** you can't actually!! I changed the code so that only I can do that!! 

**peter simp:** oh my god. 

**peter simp:** rita I will hire you again specifically so that I can fire you. 

**rrrrrrrita:** >:3 

**Jet:** oh no not the >:3 face

**rrrrrrrita:** >:3 >:3 >:3

_ rrrrrrrita changed buddy's name to crime mom.  _

_ rrrrrrrita changed vespa's name to angy crime mom.  _

**rrrrrrrita:** there! now you all have better names! 

**juno simp:** what about jet? 

**rrrrrrrita:** jet's name is already cool. 

**peter simp:** oh come on! that's not fair. 

**crime mom:** juno, shouldn't you be doing research for tomorrow's heist? 

**peter simp:** yeah, probably

**crime mom:** let me rephrase that. juno, do research for tomorrow's heist. 

**peter simp:** fiiiiine… 

_ peter simp is offline.  _

**juno simp:** hm. 

**crime mom:** i haven't forgotten about you, pete. you'd better be doing research too. 

**juno simp:** I am! it's online research. 

**angy crime mom:** yeah, right. 

**juno simp:** it is! 

_ peter simp is online.  _

**peter simp:** hes not doing research. hes pacing around my room lecturing me about not screwing the heist up

**angy crime mom:** told you. 

**juno simp:** juno! how could you betray me like this? 

**crime mom:** get back to work, both of you. 

**peter simp:** it's boring, though! 

**crime mom:** I'm sure jail is a lot more boring

**crime mom:** which is where you'll go if you get caught

**juno simp:** juno, get back to work. 

**peter simp:** … 

**peter simp:** fine. 

_ peter simp is offline.  _

_ juno simp is offline. _

**angy crime mom:** i hate this fucking family


	2. no one blames rita for anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for discussion of knives in this one

9:03 am

 **crime mom:** going to the store! anyone need anything?

**Jet** : Industrial strength earplugs.

 **Jet** : Or noise-canceling headphones.

**crime mom:** don't you already have earplugs?

**Jet** : Yes. They do not block out enough noise.

**crime mom:** oookay then. anyone else?

**rrrrrrrita** : can you get more salmon snacks??

**peter simp:** please don't

 **peter simp:** those things make the whole ship smell

 **rrrrrrrita** : makes it smell good, you mean!

**peter simp:** no I mean terrible

**rrrrrrrita** : :(

**peter simp:** you are not winning me over with puppy dog eyes

 **peter simp:** i can feel your puppy dog eyes through the comms

**rrrrrrrita** : OwO

**angy crime mom** : who taught rita the owo face. she has too much power now

**Jet** : I believe you can blame that one on the thief.

**juno simp:** what? I didn't teach rita anything

**crime mom:** ahem

 **crime mom:** does anyone ELSE need anything from the store

**peter simp:** can I get a will to live

**crime mom:** ransom's right there

**rrrrrrrita** : awww!

**peter simp: I** am this close to committing a hate crime 

**crime mom:** does anyone have any other SERIOUS requests.

**juno simp** : I don't think so, captain.

**crime mom:** good!

 **crime mom:** me and vespa are going to leave to go to the store now. do not destroy the ship in our absence.

**rrrrrrrita** : yes ma'am!

**juno simp:** I will try my best, captain.

**Jet** : I will not cause any damage to the ship. The others I am not so sure of.

**juno simp:** come on, we can't be that untrustworthy!

**angy crime mom:** you are

**peter simp:** we are

**juno simp:** wow okay

**crime mom:** Jet, could you please make sure that they don't blow up the ship?

**Jet** : I will try my best.

**crime mom:** thank you, darling.

_crime mom is offline._

_angy crime mom is offline._

10:21

 **angy crime mom:** HOW

 **angy crime mom:** we were gone for ONE HOUR

 **angy crime mom:** and we come back and you're SWORDFIGHTING??????

**juno simp:** I don't think it counts as sword fighting if you're not using swords.

**angy crime mom:** well KNIFE FIGHTING, same difference!!

**rrrrrrrita** : actually there is a difference! according to the streams, sword fighting is for when you want to be dramatic and kill people for the dramatic-ness of it, and knife fighting is for when you actually want to kill people because you're mad at them

 **rrrrrrrita** : except we weren't trying to kill each other at all so maybe it's neither?

**crime mom:** I think the point Vespa was trying to make is that you four were playing with blades.

**rrrrrrrita** : oh.

 **rrrrrrrita** : yeah we were doing that

**crime mom:** Would anyone like to explain why?

**peter simp:** we got bored

**crime mom:** And your solution was to try and kill each other?

**peter simp:** what? no

 **peter simp:** rita just said that we weren't trying to kill each other

**angy crime mom** : just ANSWER THE QUESTION

**juno simp:** technically he did answer the question that the captain was asking.

**angy crime mom:** im going to scream

 **angy crime mom:** i hate you guys so much

_angy crime mom is offline._

**crime mom:** Okay, let's try this again.

 **crime mom:** Why did you four decide to play with knives?

**Jet:** well Rita was bored and I though I could teach her some basic combat.

 **Jet** : and then Juno and Ransom came in and they wanted to help.

 **Jet** : so I let them help.

**crime mom:** Ah, so this was your idea.

**Jet** : it was not my idea.

 **Jet** : I had the idea that started the knife fight, but the knife fight was not my idea.

**juno simp:** what does that even mean

**peter simp:** nice try big guy, we’re still blaming it on you though

**rrrrrrrrita** : nononon, blame me! I was the one who got bored in the first place nd all

**peter simp:** no. no one blames rita for anything.

**juno simp:** yeah none of this was rita’s fault

**Jet** : never punish Rita Ever.

**rrrrrrrrita** : awwwww, you guys, that’s so sweeeeet!!!!!!

**crime mom:** I’m not looking for someone to blame. All of you are in trouble.

**peter simp:** hey!

**crime mom:** Except for Rita.

**peter simp:** ok that’s slightly better

 **peter simp:** i’m still upset though

**juno simp:** I mean

 **juno simp:** you did stab Jet

**peter simp:** it was an accident!

**crime mom:** Wait, Jet got stabbed?

**Jet** : yes. I am bleeding as we speak.

**crime mom:** Why didn’t you tell me?

**peter simp: I** dunno

**crime mom** : Let me get Jet to the medical ward. I’ll deal with the rest of you later, don’t think I’ve forgotten!!!

_crime mom is offline._

_Jet is offline._

**peter simp: i** hate this family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to vine compilations while writing this. it's good background noise lmao 
> 
> this fic is going to be terribly ooc but I'm beyond caring at this point


	3. picking movies nd stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa this is really short I'm sorry... I'm gonna try to update more often but who knows

**crime mom:** Jet, it’s your turn to make dinner.

**Jet:** I thought it was peter’s turn.

**crime mom:** Peter can’t cook.

**juno simp** : i can cook!

**crime mom:** You can’t.

**angy crime mom:** you can't

**juno simp** : wow ok

**peter simp: I** can teach you how to cook

**juno simp:** awww thanks dear!

**rrrrrrrita** : aw you guys are so cute!!

**peter simp:** no we're not shut up

**rrrrrrrita** : you ARE though!

**crime mom** : yeah you are

**angy crime mom** : even I think you're a cute couple and I hate both of you

**peter simp:** >:T

**juno simp** : surely if you get to call us cute, we also get to call vespa and buddy a cute couple

**peter simp:** hey yeah!

**angy crime mom** : wait no

**peter simp:** too late you and buddy are an adorable couple

**crime mom** : I sure hope we are

**Jet** : can I not be a part of this conversation peter simp: you weren't really a part of it to begin with but yeah sure

**rrrrrrrrita:** nonono!!! jet u gotta stay I wanna talk about what movie we're gonna watch tonight!!!!

**Jet** : fine.

**peter simp:** what movie are you going to watch

**rrrrrrrita** : we haven't decided yet!!!!

**rrrrrrrita** : oh hey maybe you can help us decide mista steel!!!!

**peter simp: i** don't watch movies though

**rrrrrrrita** : well just choose whatever sounds interesting!!!!!!

**peter simp:** ...

 **peter simp:** ok fine.

**rrrrrrrita** : :D!!!!! okay so we have a movie on martian history

**peter simp:** sounds boring

**rrrrrrrita** : shhhhh I'm not done yet. i have one called invaders from planet blue, and it's about these aliens who take over the world by making everyone sing!!!!!

**juno simp:** ooo that sounds interesting

**peter simp:** sounds boring to me :/

**rrrrrrrita** : ANYWAYANYWAYANYWAY!!! I have one more movie i wanna watch

 **rrrrrrrita** : it's called the destruction of the panopticon.

**Jet** : that's just a very dramatic title for an informative documentary about some tapes that were found on earth, and what historians think they might mean.

**peter simp:** all of those sound boring

**juno simp:** all of those sound really interesting

**crime mom** : i think the invaders from planet blue movie sounds really interesting, rita!

**rrrrrrrita** : ok! we'll watch that!! :3

**peter simp:** do I have to watch this

**crime mom:** yes.

**peter simp** : >:[

 **peter simp: i** hate this family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> words cannot describe how much I hate formatting these


End file.
